Where I let you in on where my crazy originates; or fresh start; or just read it...

All my old posts are gone, because this is a fresh start. My fresh start.
See my life has been crazy (in the best of ways mostly) and writing here was not a priority, on my mind but not a priority.
There were reasons of course, as there always are; school, kids extracurriculars, volunteering.... the list goes on because really I am just another mom.
There was no time to do anything I enjoyed, lots of UFO's from attempts of peace. Dreams of creating and selling were met with reality of a craft room so out of order I couldn't find what I needed never mind actually complete something. I did make a formal gown for Thing 1's semi-formal, there was an altered art painting, lots of attempts of knitting and crochet. None of my normal mojo-jojo was occurring.
Here is where the fresh start comes in; my confessional. Some of you know me in real life and some of you know my whole backstory, but most everyone doesn't. Generally back stories are irrelevant, because they are the pieces that assemble who we are today.
Our core.
Well I have spent my whole adult like trying to "pass", there are a lot of reasons someone might say that and every one is uniques as the person speaking or in this case writing.
I carry a ridiculous amount of shame with me; for things I can not control. Could not control. The exact details of this are irrelevant.
Here is what isn't; I was an adolescent who moved around with a trash bag. Until I had my oldest that was my life.
Having that be a huge part of what made me who I am is something I like to try to hide from because I am now a happy woman, who lives on a cup-de-sac with chickens, a dog, three cats and most importantly an amazing family with Mr. Bunny and the girls.
It is hard to think of Thing 1 living the life I led and she is at an age where that could be a real thing.

Why am I sharing this with you?

One of my best friends passed away a couple months ago and she was also a kid with a trash bag. A kid that ran with me and a crowd we were part of. She grew into an amazing adult with a lot of struggles in her heart.

That is what happens when you are a trash bag kid, with no family support to speak of. I am lucky that in my adult life I have built a relationship with my family. That is a privilege for people like us.

We were like sisters. She was amazing. I still feel lost without her and I imagine I will for a long time.

Now she is gone, one of the two people from that long era of my life I kept in contact with.

She used to laugh at how ashamed I was, because I came so far. We both had.

You know what I did, I came damn far and am not going to be ashamed anymore.

It was not luck that put me in this position. I earned it.

For years I have struggled trying to balance who I am and what pieces of me people get to know.

No more, here I am! All of me.

That event also made me realize that my goals were not mine. I was being practical and doing what I thought was right. (My friend liked to point out that maybe I could veer away from this on occasion).

So I did. I am taking this semester off from school, getting my house in order and allowing myself to enjoy being with my kids.

No guilt.

I am going to have to make some changes here (paying off loans attached to no degree) but it is okay.

Mr. Bunny is relieved I am being honest with myself about my wants now.

He is now on medication which helps with his neuro stuff, so I feel more comfortable not rushing through.

So it is here, in this space I feel like I can be authentic. Share my journey in saving money, cooking more, playing with yarn, fabric and the day to day.

Because it is all out there now.